I just need to share my heart a bit. I usually don't go too deep, in this format, but one of the reasons I like to write is that it helps me sort my thoughts and find some order to what I'm feeling and thinking. I work it out as I go. So if the words that follow seem to have no order, it's because I'm working it out. I'm scattered right now, for sure. And it will probably show.
I'm watching from the outside as a very lovely woman walks through saying goodbye to her husband. Her best friend. Unless the Lord intervenes, she will have to make a very hard decision in the near future. A decision that no wife should have to make. It's too soon. They are my age. Their kids are the same ages as my kids. There is so much life to be shared, it's not suppose to end this early. I imagine that it's never enough time. I can't imagine ever getting to a place in my life when saying goodbye to Brad feels right. But certainly not in this season. She still needs him. His kids still need their daddy. And she's now in a position that she must make this irreversible decision? Please, Lord, take this decision off her shoulders and put it on Yours! And yet, He has. He always has the final word, just as He has promised. All our days are written, He knows the hour, the moment, that this man will be absent from his body and be present with the Lord. No matter what action is taken by this sweet lady, it's up to the Lord to declare when it is finished. And yet she is still in a position of having to act. Unless the Lord intervenes.
My heart physically is aching for her. It's close enough to home to let my mind go there. As much as I can hurt for her, as much as I can pray for her, I truly cannot imagine. None of us can unless we've been there, and even then the journey is different for each one. Common threads, but different stories.
Yesterday, in my aching heart state, I became angry. Angry that someone has to suffer like this. Angry that a precious, tender, loving wife has to watch her husband go through this. Angry that he can't reach his arms out and hold her, when she needs him most. Angry that three kids are walking through this at such tender ages. Angry that we live in a world with sickness and disease. Angry that life is just not fair.
In my angry state, I lashed out at those I love the most. I slammed my way through fixing dinner, alternating between shedding tears and being angry. I slammed my way through cleaning the kitchen after dinner. I was hungry, but I didn't eat. I wanted to just lay down and cry and then go to sleep. I wanted to yell. I sprawled out on my bed for a few minutes. Then I decided I needed to run. I needed to run out the tension of my anger. So I got on my treadmill and ran hard. I ran for 4.5 miles. Around mile 2-ish, I started hearing the Lord calm me. I opened my ears. I let it go. I heard that He is there. I heard that He is in control. I heard those calming words that bring peace. Not peace that it's happening. Peace that He is intervening. He's right in that ICU room. Watching over the words being spoken. Watching over the moments. The last moment? He knows.
I start thinking about this gal's future, and I get such a rush of grief for her. I can't even find the words for it. But she doesn't have to walk out that out yet. Just this moment. He will provide for her. HE will. Both in this very moment and in her future.
Tonight she has to talk to her kids. Can you imagine? I can't. And yet I know He will provide her all the wisdom she needs, all the words. Both the ones to speak and the ones to leave unspoken. Those kids. My heart hurts for them. The Bible promises us that He "gently leads those with young". So I know He will lead her tonight with great gentleness.
So I will pray. Continually. They are on my heart, in my thoughts continually. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for them. Not one prayer will be wasted on this precious family.
And as I go through the sometimes painfully mundane parts of my evening (closing a jar left opened, picking up socks on the floor, wiping up a mess left on the counter, doing yet another load of laundry...) I'm going to do it with them on my mind. What they would give for a little mundane in their evening tonight.
Hug your spouse tonight. Hug them and look them in the eye and tell them you love them. Appreciate that you can. Appreciate that they can look you back in the eye and say it back. I know someone that would give anything to have that moment tonight. But she can't....
unless the Lord intervenes...