Multitudes on Monday ~ whether I want to or not

Here's the honest truth.  Not the full truth, for that would be too much information.  But the honest truth is this:  I have so very much to be thankful for, and yet today I am struggling to get myself in a thankful frame of mind.  Or heart. 

I'm sad.  I miss my mom.  Today is her birthday, and I sure wish I was celebrating it with her.  The anniversary of her death is not a hard day for me.  But the days we should be celebrating...those are the days I miss her the most.  And I really could have used a mommy today.

Other things are out of sorts, and it makes my whole attitude out of sorts.  So I wasn't going to do this whole post on my 1000 Gifts today.  But the day is not over yet, and I know I will regret it.  I know I need to.  When I feel it the least is when I need to focus on it the most.



137.  A first grader being almost incapable of walking across a playground; needing to skip, run, or bound.
138.  Deep sighs.
139.  Finals week only coming twice a year.
140.  Commitment.
141.  Running in the rain.
142.  Tree limbs waving back and forth in the wind.
143.  The swooshy sound of cars driving by in the rain.
144.  "This too shall pass", a favorite saying of my mom: I heard it whispered today.
145.  Tulips poking their little green tips out of the ground.
146.  The pure laughter of a child that is contagious.
147.  Showers at the end of the day.  Washin' that day right away.
148.  The theme song to Little House on the Prairie.  (Yes, that's a gift!)
149.  That He is I AM.
150.  The stillness of this very moment.

That's much better.  I knew that would help.  My mind is calmer now, just like I knew it would be.

As I began writing this, my son took a break from studying and is playing the piano.  Just playing as it comes...the beautiful, soothing music that comes from a worshipful heart and a musical gift.  Soft, gentle, and soothing.  Just what I needed.

151.  Beautiful, soothing music that comes from a worshipful heart and a musical gift.

Now I'm done.

My Saturday

I know it's not over yet, but so far this has been just about a perfect Saturday.

At least once I got to this point:

This is me after a one hour run in the rain with Brad.  I got down there to stretch, but just being down felt so good I stayed there awhile.  And you know what this reminds me of?  A friend told me about a shirt either she has or she likes that says "If you see this shirt laying on the ground, please drag it across the finish line."  My shirt should read, "If you see this shirt laying on the ground, please let it be and let me rest in peace."

Then came a shower, some lunch, some homework help, and I plopped myself right down here to continue reading my new book.  I love, love, love this book.  Thoughtful, thought-provoking, and thought-changing.  And a big kitty to keep me company as I listen to his wiffling snore?  That's a pretty great bonus to a really great Saturday.

The Picutures You've Been Waiting To See

Happy Friday!  I am so very glad it is Friday.  Lots of simple things make me happy about Fridays.  The latest?  Now that I'm doing this silly half-marathon training, Friday is a "recovery day", which means no run today!  (Now, tomorrow is a different story.  Saturdays will take on a new meaning for me for the next 4 months.  I shouldn't have counted up how long.  Bummer.)

I'm going back to the list format for today, because I have some cookie dough in the fridge that needs to turn into real cookies before I leave for work.  Seemed like a good day for cookies at work.  And they won't bake themselves, so here we go:

1.  One day this week, Brenna came home late from school, frustrated with how long it took the bus to get her home.  Brenna doesn't express frustration too easily, so it's always entertaining when she does.  Her story?

First the bus was late getting to school.  Then it was a sub who took a wrong turn and had to turn the bus around.  Then they sat in the construction mess.  Then by the time she got off her stop, she was stuck behind the mail truck.  If you know Brenna, this makes total sense.  I asked her why she didn't just walk around it, and she looked at me with exasperation and said, "Well, then I would be in its way when it pulled up to the next mailbox!"  So very Brenna.  Then the neighbor girl wanted Brenna to watch her open a package she got in the mail, then the next neighbor stopped her to ask her about her day...it just went on and on. 

2.  The reason for my computer woes?

3.  The reason for my computer "I no longer need to resist the urge to swing a sledge hammer" happiness?

I have no idea if  this is showing it right-side-up or sideways or what.  All I know, and all I care to know, is that when I ask this thing to do something, it practically jumps up and asks me if it can get me anything else.  It really is fast about what it does.  I won't even pretend to know anything about those wires and things, but Brad is quite happy with it.

4.  Today my husband is being my proxy in a silent auction that just may, if it all goes the right way, make me jump up and down and clap my hands and start singing Christmas songs.  But I need to reserve any more statements in hopes of writing a post unto itself about this bounty.  And plus, I tried to type what he was bidding on and it just came out all wrong.  It needs to not do that.

5.  A book I have been waaaiiiittttiiinnnnnggggg for, with great impatience, is finally out!  It has been available for my reader for awhile, but I decided to wait until I can get my hands on the real thing.  Because this book is going to be a treasure that I will want to keep in my hands.  Another post coming on that, I'm sure.  I'm going to buy it this evening.  And devour it this weekend.

6.  Loaded on my reader right now?  The newest Jan Karon book about Father Tim's trip to Ireland with Cynthia.  It is a peacefully happy book to read.  But I miss Dooley.  I'm hoping they make their way back home to Mitford before the end of the book so I can catch up with all these people again.

7.  We finally received some exciting news in the area of health insurance.  Instead of the trend of the last few years, we found that my plan at work is going to save us an extreme amount of money.  Extreme.  So thankful.

8.  This week I learned how to say hello in the native Navajo language.  I'd share it, but I didn't retain it enough to use it in conversation.  Or in a blog.  Or anywhere.

9.  I am all out of time, and tremendously distracted by the smell of the cookies in the ove.  I've gotta go sample and make sure they are fit to serve to other people.

Tasty Tuesday ~ Scotcheroos

I had every intention of putting a meatball recipe on here today.  But I've spent a good chunk of my afternoon daydreaming about Scotcheroos.  I'm not entirely sure why, it's been quite awhile since I've eaten these.  I just may have to do something about that.  Soon. 

This is, essentially, a dressed-up Rice Krispie Treat.  Believe me, I love a plain 'ole Rice Krispie Treat.  Especially because they are Brad's signature dessert.  Let's be honest, shall we?  It's the only dessert Brad makes.  And he makes 'em fierce.  He has a couple "secrets" that make me grin, but it wouldn't be fair to divulge that without his permission.  And he always leaves a bunch of the mix stuck on the side of the bowl and lets me eat that with a spoon.  If that doesn't shout from the rooftops how much he loves me, I don't know what would.

Anyway, these are a super rich, extra yummy, chocolate coated way to get your snap, crackle and pop...


Scotcheroos

1 cup sugar
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup light Karo Syrup
~in a large saucepan, melt together over medium heat.  remove from heat and stir in:
6 cups Rice Krispies
~press evenly into a lightly buttered 9x13 pan. 

In a microwave, melt together:
12 oz. chocolate chips
12 oz. butterscotch chips
~stir until smooth, then pour over top of cereal mixture.  spread evenly.

Let cool until chocolate is set.  If you make it that long, you have a self-control rating of "Superior".  I do not.

Multitudes on Mondays ~ Amazing

I feel like yesterday's post was one big multitude of thankfulness, at least inside my heart as I wrote it.  And when I looked back on last Monday, my last item was being thankful for the anticipation of listening to the playing of Amazing Grace.  That just makes me want to keep that list going, because it's pretty wonderful how we can be thankful for the anticipation of something, and that something arrives only to just blow us away more than we could ever anticipate.

This week had its giant-sized struggles with the passing of a great, great man.  And the service yesterday was beautifully done.  Beautiful.  There are not many better ways to be inspired towards gratitude than to watch a family say goodbye to a man who left too young.  Watching a life somehow summarized in a slideshow of pictures and series of letters makes me acutely aware of how very much there is all around us to be grateful for.  Every day is such a gift.



116.  Breathing without thinking about it.
117.  Time.
118.  Hugging someone who is feeling like you are feeling.
119.  Brad's snoring that wakes me up.  He's there.
120.  Not leaving anything unsaid at the end of each day.
121.  Music that moves you.
122.  A son's heart to play moving music.
123.  Realizing I ran .6 miles further than I meant to.
124.  A hot shower after a hard run.
125.  Not having to say anything, and being heard.
126.  Uncomplicated evenings.
127.  Putting a bunch of stuff in a big pot and having it slowly work itself into a fabulous soup...all by itself.
128.  Hot cornbread.
129.  Laughing hysterically over a ridiculously silly tv show, just when I needed to laugh.
130.  The sound of the pages of my Bible.
131.  That grief is not without hope.
132.  The promise of heaven.
133.  A new computer that is fully functioning!!
134.  My own personal IT consultant that built this computer.
135.  The little lines around the eyes of my IT consultant.
136.  That I have never, in 20+ years, looked into those eyes and seen anything but love, kindness and acceptance.

Amazing Grace

What an amazing experience I had last night.  It was a full circle moment if ever there was one.  And it was so significant to me that words may fail.  They often do in trying to describe moments that touch my heart so deeply.  I have been in several situations where "there are no words" is deeply true.  This may be one of them, but because I want to keep it documented, I must try.

Alex played yesterday with the Northwest Wind Symphony, rehearsing all day, concert yesterday evening.  I knew what they would be playing, I saw the music come in via email.  I saw the line up on the website.  But for some reason the true significance didn't occur to me.  I heard him run through some of his parts here at home, and it still didn't hit me.

It slowly dawned on me throughout the day, but I was woefully unprepared for how it would strike me.

We got to Centralia early, for his dinner break, and we all went out for dinner.  He was wiped out.  Something about the mid-range, long notes, very tired embouchure.  But he was excited for how everything came together.  He said it was going to be a pretty cool concert.  And, uh, yeah.  It was "pretty cool".

Once we got to our seats, I read through the program.  The program was titled "Liturgies".  Each piece had a program note that beautifully described the significance or impact of the arrangement they were presenting.  I love reading where something familiar came from, the significance it had when it was written.  The pieces built together in a beautiful way.  I could write an entire post about the "Alleluia" arrangement and its history.  Gave me chills.

So the evening progressed and built, and we came to playing of Amazing Grace.  Here are the program notes:

"Literally hundreds of composers have scored John Newton's Amazing Grace for chorus, orchestra, wind ensemble, and as a solo.  Composer Frank Ticheli had this to say about it.  'I wanted my setting of Amazing Grace to reflect the powerful simplicity of the words and melody - to be sincere, to be direct, to be honest - and not through the use of novel harmonies and clever tricks, but by traveling traditional paths in search of truth and authenticity.  I believe that music has the power to take us to a place that words alone cannot.  And so my own feelings about Amazing Grace reside in this setting itself.  The harmony, texture, orchestration, and form are inseparable, intertwined so as to be perceived as a single expressive entity.'"

And with that, I sat and listened, for the first time, to my son participate in the playing of Amazing Grace.  My all-time, hands-down, without-a-doubt favorite song.  A song that has meant so much to me during some tough times and some good times.  And, here's the kicker...my mom's favorite song.  Here's where I will begin the attempt at finding words, where there may be none:

As my mom was in the end stages of her life, I spent a lot of time with her.  It was precious time to have together, and heartbreaking time to have together.  I was so thankful that I was able to be a part of her daily life and help in so many ways, and I was so sad that I needed to be a part of her daily life and help her in so many ways.  It was a tough time.  And mixed in with that time had been an almost 2-year struggle to have a baby.  The last 7 months of my mom's life, I had my first baby growing inside me.  The epitome of grace.  While my mom's life was very slowly fading away, my firstborn was very slowly growing strong enough to begin his life.

The day my mom died, I had an OB appointment.  To say I was under stress was an understatement.  They followed my blood pressure, and they did an ultrasound.  It was suddenly very important to know if this baby was a boy or a girl.  I had to know the baby's name.  So as they looked around, my doctor found what he was looking for, and congratulated us on our baby girl!  A girl!  And her name?  Grace!  No other name seemed appropriate to us.  That was Grace in my belly.  A belly full of grace.  It seemed so fitting.  I had been singing Amazing Grace my entire pregnancy.  I sang it to my mom.  I played it for my mom.  I sang it alone.  I played it through my house daily. 

Then my mom's memorial service, where it was, of course, sung.  So much Amazing Grace over those months:  I am living, breathing proof that it is physically impossible to desensitize yourself to the powerful tenderness of that song.

Fast-forward to the long-awaited birth of my baby, and the only people on this planet that "knew" it was a girl were Brad, me, and my doctor.  We had told no one.  We wanted to enjoy the knowledge of it before we shared it with anyone.  Finally that little brutus emerged, and my doctor said, "Oh!  It's a boy!!"  And my honest reaction, in the deepest part of my heart, was, "Well, of course it is!"  I was so thrilled.  It was so very....right.  This little man...we wouldn't call him Grace, but he still represented grace.  He was hope, all bundled up in 8 pounds and 7.5 ounces...

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures
 
This was the good, the hope, that followed a lot of bad in my life.  I threw myself into being a momma, and was so very thankful for the new life.  And I sang Amazing Grace over this little man from the start.  I played it in the house, I sang it while I rocked him.  He had heard it so much in my belly, I just by then figured it was "our song".
 
So last night.  As I reflected back on this song, the meaning to me, the significance it has played in my life, I was overcome when it began.  I focused in on watching Alex play.  I imagined my mom being there to hear it, how she would have loved it.  She had this agonizingly embarrassing habit of shushing people in a room when a song she loved came on, and she'd close her eyes and "conduct" the song with her hands.  I can only imagine how she would have closed her eyes last night and let the music wash over her.  And she maybe would have even raised her hands to help conduct.
 
Hearing him play this song felt so very full-circle.  We've come so very far since those difficult times.  I can't believe it's been that long, and I'm so sad that it's been that long since I've seen my mom.  But life has been so good.  The Lord's promise of "good to me" has been so fulfilled.  He has been so good to me.  Life is so good, and that was all beautifully illustrated last night with the playing of a very simplistic version of Amazing Grace.
 
I was so absorbed in the moment, it didn't occur to me to record it until the very end.  I got a pathetic little snippet of it, but I will still forever remember this night, and the impact of hearing Alex play this for the first time. 
 

 
Crummy camera work, but that's understandable.  I love to see that sweet face playing that sweet sound.
 
And then we got in the van to head home and I finally let the tears flow and told him how much that meant to me and why.
 

It amazes me that a gift of music was put inside this young man. 

Back two generations, a Grandma who never got to meet him.  A song that tied me and my mom together.  A song that ministered to me.  A child born with a gift of music.  And a young man who then has opportunity to play that song so beautifully.

A full circle indeed.

Don't Be Alarmed By The Screeching ~ It's Just Chocolate

Okay, I'm going to grab the steering wheel and take a sharp, hard right turn.  The tires will screech.  The car will probably ride up onto 2 wheels going around this corner.  But sometimes that's the best way.  Oddly, though not really oddly for me, the two streets are more of a straightaway now that I think about it.  They are connected.

When I'm happy, I like to bake.  And eat.  And when I'm tired, I like to bake.  And eat.  And when I'm stressed, I like to bake.  And eat.  And when I'm sad?  I like to bake.  And eat.

I'm a consistent girl.  Order, order.

So as I was going about my day Tuesday, one of the things that I thought may just help the sadness was some chocolate.  Both the preparation of and eating of some good chocolate.  It just seemed right.  I wanted my house to smell good.  I wanted to beat something with my beaters.  And I wanted to dunk something in cold milk.

So I got a curiosity stuck in my head that would not leave, and I had to follow through.  I started thinking about really good sugar cookies.  This is my sister's recipe, my favorite sugar cookie.  The tricky thing about these cookies is they just don't fill you up.  Speaking from experience, you can eat a few before realizing you've eaten a few.

So my curiosity?  Could I make those into CHOCOLATE sugar cookies???  This was a risky move, because I was in no mood to be disappointed.  It could have caused a meltdown that would have put any two-year old to shame.

However, it turned out to be an experiment that now is one of my very, very favorite cookies.  It MINISTERED to me.  Okay, maybe that's extreme.  But at a minimum, it ministered to my mouth and tummy.  And nose.  And hands.  And eyes.  You know, ME.  I am the sum of my parts.

So I must share the recipe with you.  Trust me when I say that your house will smell so good that when someone pulls into your driveway and approaches the front door, they will smell them.  In a good way.

They are great dunked in hot coffee or cold milk.  They are even great undunked.  They would be great with a little espresso powder mixed in, I may try that next time.  Or with a little chocolate/espresso icing.  Mmm.

Enticed?  Give 'em a go:


Screeching Melt-In-Your-Mouth Chocolate Sugar Cookies

1 cup butter
1 cup oil
1 cup powdered sugar
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
1 cup Hershey's Special Dark Baking Cocoa
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cream of tartar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
4 cups flour

Beat together softened butter, oil and sugars.  Add cocoa and mix well.  Add eggs and vanilla and beat it well.  Therapy.  Add tartar, baking powder and salt, mix until combined.  Add flour, one cup at a time, and mix just until combined.  Dough will be very stiff.

Drop by heaping cookie scoop full onto parchment-lined baking sheet, I do just 8 per sheet.  Personal space, you know.  Dip a flat-bottomed glass into sugar and then press cookie balls down to about 1/2 inch or slightly less. 

Bake at 400 for 9 minutes.  (these are so dark they are hard to tell if they are done.  Do your first batch at 9 minutes and use them as a test run, making adjustments for your oven.  Then trust the timer.


"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."  Psalm 34:8