He had a bracelet on with a chip, and whenever the baby cried he had to scan his bracelet over the baby so it would register that he was actually the one caring for it. I'm sorry. It's not an "it", but a "her". He signed up for "Baby #4", who turned out to be a little girl. So he would scan his bracelet, and then begin the task of figuring out what she needed. Diaper? Bottle? Burp? Rocking? The baby has a recording of a real newborn, and it starts out just fussy and quickly progresses to an all-out wailing.
When he first got home, he had to fill out the baby's birth certificate. He named her "Alexis", after himself, and her middle name? Leanne! Aw. It's a good thing he pulled me into the loop with flattery, because this baby needed his momma to help him with his baby.
The first stumbling point was deciding how long the baby was on the birth certificate. "Mom, how do I figure out how long the baby was?" I told him he could guess or get out a measuring tape and measure head to toe. "No, mom. Not how tall, how long. You know, how long it took the baby to be born." He was serious. He thought a baby's length was how long it took the baby to be born. Add that to my list of things I didn't think I needed to explain.
All was quiet and peaceful with the baby until, of course, I was just under a mile into my run on the treadmill. Baby screaming. Alex freaking out trying to figure out what it needs. "Oh, no! Oh, no!! Someone get me the diaper!! Where's the diaper??! Brenna, go get the bottle! How do I know if it's hungry?? Where's that diaper?????" As the freak-out heightened, I got off the treadmill to coach him through it a bit. Baby changed, baby eating, all was quiet. Back on the treadmill for me.
this is the look of complete discomfort
He settled down pretty nicely after that first episode. Occasionally he would be journaling the feedings and say, "I just can't believe how much this baby is eating."
As is pretty typical with a new baby, this little girl had a very fussy time from about 9:30 to 11:30. I checked on him at 11:30, and he had carefully arranged the infant carrier on his bed with the baby sleeping in it so she would be right by his head when she woke up. Interesting sight.
She then slept peacefully until 3:15 in the morning, when she howled for yet another bottle and burp. In his sleep-deprived haze, he forgot to change the diaper. I imagine that's a pretty realistic experience.
Another round of feeding and changing right as he was leaving for school, and off he went. He was able to turn the baby in first thing this morning and is back to being childless, as it should be. Now he's back to acting his age, with 3 friends playing video games, eating enormous amounts of food. Now I'm the one saying, "I can't believe how much these boys are eating!" Some things never change.
bye bye, baby Alexis...
And I am back to being grandchild-less, and I'm quite happy about that. 15 hours with a plastic doll is plenty, thank you. And after thinking it over? I don't think anything has changed. He still is thoroughly and completely not interested in babies. Perfect. For now.