Contemplation & Change

My head...and heart...have been so full of contemplation for quite awhile now.  I don't think I've come to any solid resolve on everything, but I'm creeping closer. 

I'm not a girl that likes change.  Some people are thrilled and excited by change.  Not me.  I could go into a ton of self-analysis and lay out some really legitimate reasons that change is a scary thing to me.  But all that doesn't really matter or change that fact that I just don't care for change. 

Along with that, when faced with a choice, I will almost always choose the option with the greatest security.  I lean into jump into the camp of insecurity very easily.  Again, I have some very legitimate reasons for that.  Things that shaped me from very young make my natural tendency to be towards insecurity.  That, as most people can either relate or imagine, spills over into so many areas.  Stepping out is not easy.  Trying something new is not easy.  Making change is not easy.

And it's all pretty ridiculous.  I no longer am the child that heard "You can't..." or "You never will..."  Powerful words.  But just words.  And now I'm a grown woman who does not hear that anymore.  The ones that hurt me with it, I'm sure, have no idea how powerful their words were.  And how long the sting lasted. 

But now I am surrounded with people who are quick to say, "Yeah, you can do that!"  or, at least, "Give it a try, see what happens."  For whatever reason, those words sound like whispers to me, and if I let my mind go "there", I can still hear the shouts of the negative words.

So for...hmm, probably about a year, I've been very purposeful to not allow those words to hold any more power over me.  I've been purposeful to try new things.  I've run for a looooong time, but always at home on my treadmill.  With the exception of a couple months when I was between treadmills and was forced to run outside, I never ran where people could see me.  So ridiculous.  I know it when I say it, and especially now as I type it.  I'm tempted to hit that delete button and drive it all away.  But, this is all leading somewhere, and I want to be able to come back and read this when I need to.

In 2009, as I watched myself coming upon the big age of 29 40, I did what many people do at that age and took a good look at where I was and, more importantly, where I wanted to be.  I spoke a bit of "Oh, for Pete's sake!", complete with eye-rolling, in regards to myself.  Then I decided to just start stepping out in 2009.  I was careful about it, of course.  Cause, you know, insecurity makes you pretty careful.  But I did it.  In several areas, some more obvious than others.  And it felt really mostly great.  One of the big ways, for me, was running in the 5Ks.  It meant a lot to me, more than I admitted to anyone.  It was a big deal.

(Hooray!  I've finally found a post where I can use that line-through-the-word feature that I think is so great!)

SO when this stupid stress fracture started messing with me, I ignored it for a long time, knowing I would hear that I had to stop running.  One thing led to another, and here I am 3 months later waiting to get the all-clear to hit my stride.  I'm hoping to get that Tuesday.  I already have a raced picked out for February.  And March.  And May.

And in May.  A friend asked me awhile ago if I would be interested in running a half-marathon with her in May.  Ha!  I literally laughed and told her that there was no way I could do that.  I know it's a big mental hurdle, and I am the first to jump in and say that I don't have it mentally to do that.  Or even to prepare for that.  Why?  Fitness should be something you enjoy and feel better from doing, not something that punishes your body.  Right?  So I said all these reasons to her and told her there was no way. 

Then, later that night, I heard this little-bitty voice say, "What if?  What if you could do it?  Why not at least try?"  I first told that voice to shut up.  Then I tried to ignore it.  But, as Beth Moore is fond of saying, "My God is so bossy!!"  And I really believe it was my God whispering that to me.  He's pretty pushy about getting us where He wants us.  Does He really care if I cross a finish line of a half marathon?  I don't know.  But I know that He cares that I continue to listen to His truth in my life, and not the negative junk that I have used as my measuring stick for too long.  Can I do it?  I don't know.  Can I try?  Absolutely.

So there's the punch-line of this excruciatingly long and picture-less post:  I'm going to try to train for a half marathon. 

Will I run the whole thing?  Or will my goal be just to finish?  I don't know.  Will my foot even let me try the training?  I don't know.  But I'm going to step out and try something I've always told myself I could never do.

The other areas where I'm going after some change will pop out in this blog eventually.  Not big life changes to many, but significant to me.

Not many people in my life know how deeply this runs.  Probably only one person knows the depth of this.  And he's pretty great.

And if you are one of the very few who just read this all the way to the end, you are pretty great too.